C'mon Get Happy!

Well I for one can say that I just did not like the direction my blog was heading!Ugh!! What a bitter mess! Anyways, our Halloween was super! Despite being sick we had fun! All of the kids cousins joined us. Above is an after shot. Look how big all the babies are getting. Leah Michelle and Tegan Scott look more like little ladies than babies these days! Poor Caleb just looks sick and tired. He was so cute Trick or Treating this year though! Had I been in this pic you would have noticed the same thing! Having 1 quarter of the BES 4th grade over the night before didn't help either! I'm so glad we told Em no more B-day parties till her Sweet 16!



Look at my sweet Noah! I didn't think he could get any cuter but now that he's wearing spectacles watch out ladies! His weird way of needing a lot of light to read tipped me off so I made an appointment for him when I picked up my new glasses.(BTW,These babies are cute! I will have to show them off soon!) and sure enough my kid needed them really bad! So now 3 out of 5 of us wear glasses here.

We reached another milestone this past week. I let Emma go away with another family for the weekend.Not too far and not with anyone we didn't know. My friend Jill took the girls up to Splash Lagoon to celebrate their 10th B-day.My kid had a great time and was well cared for. I will be eternally grateful to their family for showing my child such kindness! Here is a pic of the girls at Presque Isle:


We are gearing up for a very busy end of the year! I'm hosting Thanksgiving! I have a few TS parties lined up and I'm totally excited about the soaring sales of my own Scentsy party! Thanks to all who ordered!! I'll show off my goodies soon!

A mistake

I made a mistake. I decided to stop taking the Zoloft the dr. prescribed for me. I hated being on it. I didn't enjoy food.......I didn't laugh. I could talk about the babies with no emotion at all. That was the worst.

So I stopped taking it. And everything I've been holding in for the past few weeks came out. I started getting really nasty with the kids and Tim. The loves of my life and I would just fly off the handle. What is up with that? I start to cry in the middle of the kitchen when I realize there will be no bottles to wash next year.Ugh! I thought I was getting better. Since stopping I haven't done my bible study homework.....or my support group homework. I don't even want to go to that anymore and I don't even know why.

I'm taking a facebook break today. I've been saying some things that probably hurt others feelings.Not to mention I hide everyone that is pregnant or has a newborn. I'm up to 16 now. Yay for them ....boo for me.

I'm so awful and selfish. I know that I have been blessed 3 times over but I want more children.I want my children back!

My sweet (and only girl) turned 10 the other day. I know she is growing up and that we are doing a good job with her. A few days later my niece turned 3. She is adorable and so cute and petite. I felt so choked up pretty much knowing I'll never have a sweet tiny girl again. Our girl is preparing to be a teenager. No more little dresses and dollies. The other day she asked if she could wear deodorant.Why, Oh why couldn't she ask me for a new Barbie instead?

Why am I a crazy emotional wreck? When will these feelings fade without the help of a pill?Is my husband ever going to tell me he is sick of putting up with me and my blubbering idiot ways?

I want to try to get pregnant again but I'm just soo,soo scared. There is no way I can survive that again. It's already been 2 months since we lost Adam but it feels like yesterday. I don't even know him and I miss him so much. I see others sniffing their sweet babies heads and I just long for his. I dread January 24th and April 2nd. I'm sure on those day's I will curl up into a ball and hide.

I hate that I have turned into this. That my passions for being a homemaking,decorating, cooking etc... have dissapeared. That I have been reduced to this. I miss those babies and I miss me.

Menu 10/26-31

Have not done a menu in months!

Monday: Pesto Chicken over Angelhair

Tuesday: Apple Porkchops, roasted squash and corn bread stuffing.

Wednesday: Chicken and broccoli croissants.

Thursday: Chili and corn bread!

Friday: Emma's B-day party. Pizza!

Saturday: Family Halloween-Chili Cheese Dogs!

Pajama Day

I have dubbed today Pajama day. I feel I deserve it because we had a busy week(more about that below) it's raining (and supposedly snowing!) and Friday's are always an anniversary of sorts. I should be either 26 or 16 weeks today.Blah.

So I have on my pink flannel PJ bottoms and the big comfy sweat shirt I bought myself at Target the other day.I also made a huge pot of coffee.The heat is actually on at a modest 65 degrees. I have caught up on a few things that have been sitting on the DVR.Broke down crying learning that Ol'Ma Duggar(who I really do love!!) got pregnant with #19 just a few days after we lost Baby #4(aka Riley) I would go on about how life is not fair but when bad things happen to us it really is a chance to give Christ the Glory he so deserves.And I do but I can still throw myself a pity party today right?

So our busy week-On Sunday we met up with Tims family in Bedford Pa for the Fall Foliage Festival. We had a nice time and I appreciated the time I had with my husband in a fancy hotel room while the kids had fun with Memaw,Pappy(Caleb calls him Puppy!),Aunt Jess and Uncle Scary Gary. The festival was nice. We bought some yummy jams and desert mix. Tim bought me some really pretty leaf earings. The kids of course were spoiled rotten and loved the hotel pool.They now want to take swim lessons. I beleive the new classes start in January so I have to remember to sign them up!

This week also brought a few installations into the house,planning Em's 10th b-day party (Costume Party on the 30th!) and my beloved Bible study.

I'm so excited! I finally started buying the materials needed for Microscope slide necklaces! Woo hoo! I hope to have a fair amount made for Christmas gifts. I also have been making some really delicious chocolate chip pumpkin bread and found these adorable little loaf pans at Michaels for only $1. They came in cute Harvest designs. I plan on making my breads in them for the women in my group.A few of the other women have also been kind enough to bring in some goodies for us. I love making stuff for others.

Thursdays

Oh,how I LOVE Thursday! Tonight will be the 4th week in the womens Bible study at my church. I look forward to it each and every week. I am in the a group made up of some truly wonderful women of Christ. We pray for each other,encourage one another. It's one of the best things I have ever signed up for.

We are studying the life of David through a study called Anointed,Transformed,Redeemed.
I'm learning so much and even healing through life's disappointment and devastation this year.
Praise Jesus!

Adam

I got a phone call on Monday. It was my OB with the results of the genetic testing on the baby we lost last month. She said they found no abnormalities and then asked me if I wanted to know the sex. I took a deep breath and said yes. 'A male, a healthy male.' For a second I instantly regretted knowing. If he was healthy why is he gone? It must be me. Why is this happening?

After I hung up Caleb walked in the room. I started to cry. I bet this little guy was to have almost white blond hair and beautiful blue eyes just like his big brothers. I imagined him running around and being silly with them. I imagined Emma surrounded by all of her little brothers. My heart ached all over again.

I talked with Tim later on and told him I wanted to name him. We agreed on Adam. It's biblical like his brothers. Adam Quentin because Quentin means 5 and he was our 5th child. We will never know if number 4 was a boy or a girl. I like to refer to that precious one as Riley.

Our 'group' at church has been a help. It's not so much a group as Tim and I are the only ones there along with Laurie who has been another special person sent from The Lord to help us along this journey.

We were also shown kindness from another family we had never met. Virginia brought us a delicious home cooked meal,a book on loss and an aloe plant for healing. It was a nice feeling knowing other people care for us. I myself have been making dinners for a family in need.To have the favor come back was awesome.

I agonize over the thought of losing these precious babies. I mourn for them daily but I have hope. I do. Jesus has been here with us every step of the way. He has sent his faithful servants to be here for us. When I feel healed I vow to return this favor to other women who are hurting in this awful way.

Products of a migraine.

I wish I could write what I want to say but I have a hideous migraine so my words might be jumbled lol. Ever since the miscarriage I've been plagued with various aches,pains and illness'. I feel like I'm 80.

Anyways I have to share about my evening in church this past Saturday.First of all I had not been there in awhile and it felt GREAT to praise God in his house.Very refreshing.

Because of not being there in awhile a friend confessed they had wrote our name on the prayer wall.Afraid that Satan had snatched us away after going through everything this past summer. I cried and told her I loved her and that we were there to stay.I am not going to let the worst thing that happened to me this year take away the best thing that has happened to me this year!

The best part of the night was when Karen introduced me to another women at church who let me know that a miscarriage/infant loss support group was being formed at our very own church!It starts next Monday. I'm so excited!Not only is it a support group but it's faith based at our church. How awesome is that? I could really feel God's hands on me when in the middle of this conversation my favorite worship song came on over the speakers!HE knows I'm hurting and is doing everything to help me.